My last blog started to get personal, and it was the blog I've had the most views on everrr and so many of you messaged me privately about it, which is so nice! I thought we'd get personal again, because lately- I've been massively in my head and I just thought, why not write.
I'm not a writer, I can barely speak English let alone write it in a way that uses the correct grammar, and there's most definitely going to be a spelling mistake or a word missing in places. Even with checking over it again, I never catch it on. But hey, I'm not professing to be class at this, I'm just writing the way I speak! :)
I'm not entirely sure if this should be let out there for the world to see all my crazy, but sure.
I'm 28 years old (young some would say) 28. 28. 2. 8. Twenty-Eight. Ew. Almost 30. what is life. I don't feel like an adult. I don't really like adulting. I hate making decisions, especially serious ones. Unless it's makeup related, I'm one of those people that will spend 2 hours deciding what I want for dinner then huff and not eat cause I can't decide. I hate super serious things, they make me awkward. I'm a fun, silly, girl that loves all the banter, funny sex jokes and innuendos, I don't take any bullshit, but this all came with hitting my 20s, but so did a bunch of other shit.
10 years ago today, 18 years old, My Meema passed away. We spent the summer in Canada, which was to be the last time I saw her. My heart still breaks a little every time I think about that. After she passed, lots of awful truths started to come out that she wasn't the woman I thought she was. I understand that, and there's a lot of hurt there for a lot of my family which is horrendous, but she was still my Meema, and was always the best to me. Again, only child thing I was spoilt, and she was one of the ones that contributed massively to that haha. Funny example: I wanted my belly pierced when I was 12 and mom wouldn't let me, so I rang meema and she gave mom shit until mom finally agreed to take me. See. Spoilt.
When she was sitting there in her chair in what was to be her last days, smoking- with her oxygen mask on, might I add- for those of you would don't know--- that could literally have blown us all up. But anyway, watching the Cancer just eat her alive. I was young and just couldn't quite hack that. I spent most of the summer with my girl Nic, and just saw Meema around spending time with Nic, not really realising the full extent to what was happening never having been through this before. She died alone in the hospital a few short weeks after we came back to NI. And that both upsets and petrifies me.
10 years ago today, 18 years old, My Meema passed away. We spent the summer in Canada, which was to be the last time I saw her. My heart still breaks a little every time I think about that. After she passed, lots of awful truths started to come out that she wasn't the woman I thought she was. I understand that, and there's a lot of hurt there for a lot of my family which is horrendous, but she was still my Meema, and was always the best to me. Again, only child thing I was spoilt, and she was one of the ones that contributed massively to that haha. Funny example: I wanted my belly pierced when I was 12 and mom wouldn't let me, so I rang meema and she gave mom shit until mom finally agreed to take me. See. Spoilt.
When she was sitting there in her chair in what was to be her last days, smoking- with her oxygen mask on, might I add- for those of you would don't know--- that could literally have blown us all up. But anyway, watching the Cancer just eat her alive. I was young and just couldn't quite hack that. I spent most of the summer with my girl Nic, and just saw Meema around spending time with Nic, not really realising the full extent to what was happening never having been through this before. She died alone in the hospital a few short weeks after we came back to NI. And that both upsets and petrifies me.
I think in your 20s you start to really realise, like holy shit I need to be an adult here. You maybe start to live, not so care free and realise there's some real serious shit goes on in this world- more important than who kissed who on a Saturday night at Kelly's (kissed... ha).
Now, I have a few things as an adult that haunt me, and not just my bills! Death. My Head. My body. And repeat.
All of these are linked in someway for me. Mentally, as mortified as I am to write this, I've been terrified. At the start of this year- I hated being alone unless I had something to do to preoccupy myself, but it's not for being needy, it's genuinely not about that, it's to save myself from my stupid, stupid thoughts. I know they are just that, but I keep finding myself in these moments, and I don't know how I got to it, where it came from, how my mind got into that place- but it does, and I can't breathe for a moment and I have to just let it win and cry to release it. I'll find myself driving, not knowing how I got from A to B, just lost. I think its panic attacks, I've never been to talk to anyone. So this is like, a big deal to admit outloud. I've had to just pull the car over and try to pull myself together because out of nowhere I just can't.
'
It's death, it happens to us all, but I can't shake the fear. Fear of loosing more people I love, fear of not doing everything I want to do before it comes to me to. Fear of what's next. Knowing I'm totally so young, but I'm not getting any younger. Buying a house soon, people asking about when the kids are coming. Fuck I haven't even gotten to Vietnam yet ! * insert monkey face covering eyes emoji. I'm insane, I know, it sounds so crazy.. I think in my head there's just so much I would love to do and see and achieve and you feel like there's an expiry date. I don't know.
I think this fear hit me more so when I saw my grandpa C going through his last years too. It was so awful. Life really isn't fair. You work so hard your entire life, then when you should get to be enjoying your retirement and enjoying your family, you get handed some Cancer and Parkinsons for good measure. It's a sick twisted joke. It's simply just not fair at all. I had to put on a brave face for everyone, I held my shit together pretty well until he came home.
I try to keep myself super busy, and live life to the full, but how do you do that when you're trying to build a future? They all say 'Don't be too busy making a living, you forget to make a life'. I've been so busy over the past two years sorting out my business, and then when I have days off, sometimes instead of being productive my head goes elsewhere. But this has taken a toll on my body. I've been down and not arsed so I've just ate. Not a lot, I don't actually eat that much, I would maybe only eat twice a day- but when I do/did it was a mcdonalds, chinese, chippy. Some kind of awful takeaway and 30 buns, sitting in all my shite watching a movie and replying to clients. I've gained 3 stone since I got married, 2 of which over opening the shop- which I just blamed on stress and thought, it's fine, I'll sort it, until I realised the actual figures and was like holy good god woman pull yourself together. NO MORE of this bullshit.
I think this fear hit me more so when I saw my grandpa C going through his last years too. It was so awful. Life really isn't fair. You work so hard your entire life, then when you should get to be enjoying your retirement and enjoying your family, you get handed some Cancer and Parkinsons for good measure. It's a sick twisted joke. It's simply just not fair at all. I had to put on a brave face for everyone, I held my shit together pretty well until he came home.
I try to keep myself super busy, and live life to the full, but how do you do that when you're trying to build a future? They all say 'Don't be too busy making a living, you forget to make a life'. I've been so busy over the past two years sorting out my business, and then when I have days off, sometimes instead of being productive my head goes elsewhere. But this has taken a toll on my body. I've been down and not arsed so I've just ate. Not a lot, I don't actually eat that much, I would maybe only eat twice a day- but when I do/did it was a mcdonalds, chinese, chippy. Some kind of awful takeaway and 30 buns, sitting in all my shite watching a movie and replying to clients. I've gained 3 stone since I got married, 2 of which over opening the shop- which I just blamed on stress and thought, it's fine, I'll sort it, until I realised the actual figures and was like holy good god woman pull yourself together. NO MORE of this bullshit.
So, not just for my physical appearance, but for my mind, I need to get myself right. I started going to the gym more, throwing myself into my work and now I can't win as I'm just so tired, ha! I had gotten myself into this state where I never wanted to go out out with friends, I'm always the fat one, I'll never look as good, I get in my head so much I don't go, or turn down nights out cause I know I'll be so self conscious and paranoid when I'm out that I'll get drunk and grumpy or boke, standard shawn.
Slowly, I can feel myself starting to feel a little bit better. In myself, a little more confident, even just with people. I mean, I'm by no means shy, when I'm comfortable... But I am not comfortable in myself right now which kinda turns me into a recluse. There really is so much more to going to the gym for your body, looks, health, but for your actual mental health. I'm not saying I need help or I have a mental health issue, maybe I do, I don't know, but mentally I haven't felt myself. Going to Studio 365, It's pushed me totally out of my comfort zone and I've had to socialise in a place I would usually be so self conscious.
The trainers are amazing, and so helpful, and the friends I've met in there are top class. It's just all real people. No bullshit. And it just helps make you fill like you fit.
I want to do this for me, I want to feel confident in myself , look good and feel good inside and out. I know when I feel good physically how much it changes my attitude. I think not being happy in myself has then given me this fear and all these depressing thoughts. My dad once said, 'There's no point stressing about things you can't change, dude'. So lets change stress into positivity.
I bought a few books that I keep seeing people get, thinking they'll inpire me, and give me some kinda positive outlook- but when I researched a few of them they come up under 'self help books'... I really don't feel I need self help... I just wanted something empowering, inspiring, power of positive thinking.
We all go through shit. We all have struggles. We all worry. It's okay to not be okay, we just have to pick ourselves back up. It's okay to have a bad day, we just have to remember it's a bad day, not a bad life. (Any more sayings and quotes I should throw in?) :)
The trainers are amazing, and so helpful, and the friends I've met in there are top class. It's just all real people. No bullshit. And it just helps make you fill like you fit.
I want to do this for me, I want to feel confident in myself , look good and feel good inside and out. I know when I feel good physically how much it changes my attitude. I think not being happy in myself has then given me this fear and all these depressing thoughts. My dad once said, 'There's no point stressing about things you can't change, dude'. So lets change stress into positivity.
I bought a few books that I keep seeing people get, thinking they'll inpire me, and give me some kinda positive outlook- but when I researched a few of them they come up under 'self help books'... I really don't feel I need self help... I just wanted something empowering, inspiring, power of positive thinking.
We all go through shit. We all have struggles. We all worry. It's okay to not be okay, we just have to pick ourselves back up. It's okay to have a bad day, we just have to remember it's a bad day, not a bad life. (Any more sayings and quotes I should throw in?) :)
Anway!! I hope you all don't think I'm totally nuts....
Here's to changing things that don't make you happy! Stripping the negative vibes, living more positively, and hoping making these few changes will help inside and out <3
Until next time,
(maybe I'll do a skincare post)...
Love SK
xx
