She's high again. She must be. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, how to help her, to make her know there is more to life than this. That she has to pick herself up somehow and get herself back. Only she can do it, and I'm too far away to be able to help. I only get messages when she is really low. They don't make any sense. I don't understand where it went wrong. I don't understand how she is feeling, why she is doing this to herself. I feel like I know her, I'm connected to her, but yet I don't know how to be. How did this happen? Where did we lose her. It hurts. I don't think I get by one day without thinking of her. My heart is broken. No one understands when I try to talk about it, 'She's not the same girl you knew, you have to get over it.'
I can't.
We 'lost' her to drugs years ago. 6 years ago, maybe longer. I say lost because she isn't the same. I can see it in a brothers eyes when I ask about it, 'She hasn't been here for a long time shawna'... A wrong crowd, the weed, the meth, cocaine, pills, heroin? ketamine. I was never there. I live in Northern Ireland, so I couldn't be there. I've been home twice since.
The first time I saw her since this all happened she wasn't there anymore. The girl who was my soul mate, my sister, my best friend. She was literally shaking, she was scared and nervous to see me. But I was too. I was sad because I know my soul sister is in pain. I feel it everyday for her, I can't help her and it kills me. She feels like she has no one but yet she is pushing everyone away and she won't get help. I went upstairs and I cried. I cried for the memories we had, how my life wouldn't have been the same without her. I cried that she couldn't be there for some of the most important parts of my life because she was in such a bad place, I cried for the memories we could be making but aren't because she won't get help. I cried because I left when I was 12, and what IF I stayed, and could have been there for her, through all of this and maybe helped?
I cried because little did I know, next time I was home to visit, she wouldn't want to see me, because she is ashamed, and thinks 'I'm successful' from what she sees online. Yes, I'm working hard, but that doesn't show how I feel. What's in my heart, what I'm going through in other aspects. And I'm far from where I want to be. And it definitely isn't something I would want as a reason someone I love so much wouldn't want to see me, and compare our lives.
NEVER compare your journey to someone else's.
It's OKAY to not be OKAY. But we have to know when we need help, and ask for it. It's okay to need someone. Drugs is NOT the way, A man is also NOT the way. Not if he is also on drugs, pulling you down. Temporary happiness. If even. And the comedown from both? Not speaking from experience, but I'm sure it ain't great.
I have never touched a drug in my life. Well, I had a weed brownie one time when I was twenty, but that's it. This experience and seeing what it does to a family is enough to put me off for life. I've always been too scared of the effects it could have on my body, an overdose, just no. I had one boyfriend years ago snort coke in front of me, and I was like, Thank you, NEXT. I'm sorry if you do drugs, I always say I won't judge someone, and they can do what they want, that's all true, but for the love of GOD do you have that little respect for your life, for your family that you would snort it or inject it away? Oh, I only do it when I go out sometimes, Oh I'll only do it in Ibiza. No. Sorry. I'll never be on board with it. Keep your shit out of my face. If you want a lecture, Hi, I'm here for it. DON'T waste your life. And if you are deep, like DEEP- please get help.
Life is HARD. I'm not gonna lie, I see the appeal, the escape. Feeling free, something to take you away from all your troubles and worries, but for what? a day? Fry your brain a little more. This is an illness, and we can't give up on people. We can't give up on ourselves.
It's hard, but get the help, get out there, get a job, make some money, book a holiday, make a life. I know that might sound so hard when you're in a frame of mind, but baby steps. I've had such a struggle over the past few years, with a lot of different things mentally, and seeing other friends going through the same things, or different things that just get too much, but you know what I did, I turned to eating shite, being depressed, anxious and then realising, no this NEEDS to stop, I need to focus on me a little, so I joined a gym. I got rid of 'friends' that were no good for me, that were dragging me down or making me feel like shit, and picked myself the fuck up. I opened a business, not all in this order, I'm still not where I want to be physically or emotionally, or in business and I probably could do with going to the doctor about my irrational fears/ silly little panic attacks, but so far by focusing on me, my business and having a few great girls and guys by my side has just helped. I couldn't get by without my people. They know who they are and big love to you <3
But in this life, I really think you find more then one soul mate. People that you meet, and that's just it. you know it fits with them. I'm lucky to have a few of those. My people. My loves, My sisters, brothers, family. And when they break, I break. Almost like a twinnuition people talk about, like twins just know or get a feeling, I think you get that with your people. Even if they are half way across the world. You can sense something isn't right. And you want to fix it. But only we can fix ourselves. Don't throw your life away. For your family who love you, for your friend who worries every day, but mostly, for you. DON'T waste your time worrying or feeling down, or caring what other people think, if you aren't happy, change it. And SCREW what anyone has to say about it.
If you need help, ask for it. Someone is always there to help someone who needs it. Don't waste anymore time. And don't push the people away who love you most and want to be there for you.
Do YOU, for YOU.
YOU got this <3
Love
SK xoxo
TWENTY | NINE
2 9
Twenty nine.
Two. Nine.
Nope.
I feel like Joey from friends around all their 30th birthdays. ‘Why God, why are you doing this to us?!!!’
One year older, another year wiser? Doubtful. Birthday’s are turning into this time I dread, apart from the great excuse to get together with all your besties and have great craic, I sit there after everyone is gone and think. This is it. I’m getting old. It’s not okay. I’m not okay.
My brain has turned to mush lately, I genuinely feel like I’m having a mid life crisis. Let’s not call it that cause like, I hope I’ve more than 30 more years left in me 🤢 IT’S SO SCARY. Like where did these 29 years go? And the years are only going faster, there’s so much I want to do and I feel like I nearly don’t have enough time.
Last time I wrote a blog, and let you all into my crazy, it helped, because so many of you understood, so many of you thanked me for being so honest, because these things need to come to light I guess, and I think these things are more so now. Mental health, is no joke. And we all have so many thoughts, we are so hard on ourselves, and our minds can be our worst enemy. We are totally all in the same boat, different journey’s, but we all have to do this thing called life, the best we can.
Do I always make the right decisions? No.
Am I a good person? Debatable .
Am I trying to do the best I can? And trying to do what makes me happy at the same time? Yes.
Unfortunately what makes you happy might not make others, and it’s pretty shit and pretty hard to get the balance right there. I wrote a blog back in September, and didn’t post it about a book I’ve been reading called ‘The life changing magic of not giving a F*ck’.
I find I’ve been implementing the practices in this book quite well, I definitely don’t care as much about what people think, like me or hate me, byeeeeeee. And my bullshit meter runs on level- not today 🤚. Which we all definitely should follow!
But here, this post is supposed to talk me and you, into being more positive- because the point I made up there, we are all in this together, that right there should give us all some comfort.
.......
I started writing this blog post yesterday, and didn’t get it finished as I couldn’t find the right words to finish it off. And today, I woke up to the awful news going on in our country, and 3 young people who lost their lives in Cookstown, waiting to have a good night out, the mother in Carlingford found in the Lough, and my post and my thoughts and anxiety seem so silly. This is so beyond devastating I can’t even begin to imagine the pain these families are going through, the people there that witness the horrific events, and the people there for a weekend in Carlingford that all went wrong.
A young girl in my work the other day said to me, ‘tomorrow is promised to no one’. And that hit me like a tone of bricks. Tomorrow, who knows. We only have now. Which gives me that complete loss of breath I talk about, but we have to go for it, live, not workworkworkworkwork just to get by, I know it’s so shit we have to work cause we need money to live, but try to not dwell on the things we can’t change, and make the absolute most of right now.
My heart is truly broken for all the sadness in this world, so many things we just can’t control. And on the mental health front, I just hope we can all be stronger in ourselves. And truly live . ❤️
Easier said then done, but someone is always there for you if you need it.
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by the recent tragedies ❤️
Love,
SK xx
